Jesus... 10 friggin days later (8 days of wrenching my ass off) and it's finally back together and running smooth. Only issue is a slightly high idle (~900rpm instead of 650-750) after cleaning the throttle body. Hopefully the idle re-learn works for me.
I had a road block at about every.. single... step of the process. No special tools meant some extra work (mainly not having the tool to hold the flex plate in place to keep the engine from turning). I also didn't do enough reading & didn't have proper, knowledgeable help for most of the project, so I ended up doing a lot more wrenching and disassembly than necessary. Now that I know what the hell I'm doing, I could EASILY do this job in 3 days or less if I had to do it over again.
Not only that, but both of the power steering pump bolts on the front of the engine were STRIPPED, so I had to deal with that...
So glad this massive headache is over (so long as the high idle gets resolved easily. I know some people have had complications).
Lessons learned the hard way:
1 - LISTEN TO THE TSB AND ORDER OEM PARTS!!!

I bought a kit from rockauto (linked in my op) that had more parts than I needed, which probably cost me more than if I had just gotten the OEM parts. In the end, I still needed to go to the dealership & pick up a couple of OEM bits.
2 - You DON'T need to remove the friggin starter to get to the flex plate. There's a damn access panel on the transmission.
3 - Sort and label the damn bolts you take out.
4 - Good friends are hard to come by. When you find them, make sure to keep them.